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Depression series – Empaths and Trauma or why am I clinically depressed?

Shock and trauma

Check list:

Do you feel depressed without any cause?
Does even the slightest setback send you spinning into depression?
Do you ignore traumatic events and quash them so they don’t bother anyone?
You feel dead inside.

This is an insidious type of depression. It is certainly a clinical depression and sometimes it may be identified as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This is one of the worst types of depressions because on the surface, there is nothing wrong. Your life might even be going extremely well, but still you feel down, depressed for no apparent reason, and worse, the slightest setback will send you spiralling into a deeper state of darkness and gloom.

Onlookers will not understand. In fact, they will just dismiss this as someone in a drama, or someone who is just depressing to be around.

This is the type of depression that will power cannot overcome. Sure, you might be able to shift your mood for a bit, but the moment something doesn’t go quite right, you will come plummeting down.

What is actually happening here is an accumulation of shock and / or trauma over a long period of time. When something traumatic happens, we should process it, get support and validation, and do what needs to be done to resolve it.

The type of shocks and traumas we are talking about might be an accident, a death, separation, loss of a job, illness, near death experience, abusive childhood, rape, incest, or any one of countless life events.

Even the process of being born can be traumatic.

So, over time, we accumulate a backlog of these unresolved issues that become toxic and affect us on an ongoing basis and the chances are that we are not even aware of it.

Talking about how you feel can help and if you are fortunate, you will find a friend or a confident who will listen. If you’re really fortunate, they will know how to help you.

However, what seems to be more likely is that people don’t want to know about it. They will tell you to ‘get over’ it,  give you a pep talk, or worse, make themselves the focus, and make your problems all about them.

If you try to bring it up again, their response might be: Yes, I know it already, while they will go on and on about their own issues, thus making you more inclined to no longer discuss what is going on. This will compound the problem as there will be no outlet to discuss those feelings. It is not their fault, though. They just don’t have the knowledge or the tools to help you.

It’s not surprising that we get angry and frustrated with this from time to time, and then decide to supress those emotions, making things even worse.

But most of the time, apart from feeling depressed, you will just feel cold and dead inside, as if all the joy has been sucked from you.

Empaths tend to put their own needs last and often at their expense.

The accumulation of shock and trauma, especially over a long period, will produce clinical depression. What’s worse is that you may feel it’s somehow your fault and that by being depressed, you are inconveniencing other people. You might also be tired of the same thing happening time and time again, and so start to withdraw from others because you no longer wish to inflict yourself on them.

This really is one of the more insidious types of depression because the cause is not obvious. Most don’t know they have uncleared trauma. Most won’t remember much of it, because they have repressed it.

I’ve not seen too much out there on this subject. I hear a lot of reports about people suffering from depression, but not the reasons why, let alone how to really cure it.

There is a cure for this type of depression. (As I believe there is a cure of all things) and I accidently stumbled upon it around 2002.

For years, on and off, I would experience clinical depression. It would be debilitating, and it was as if all the life force was being sucked out of me. Emotionally, it was extremely painful and I had no hope for myself.

On my birthday, I experienced a really bad episode (brought on by my partner of the time attacking me on something that was not in my control).

One of my life’s missions is to find cures for those conditions that are said to be incurable. I think I’ve tried a good many things, but the one thing I keep on returning to are the Bach Flower Remedies, which are a an effective, safe and gentle healing system.

To that point, even though I had not found any that helped me for my depression on a long term, I would keep on trying different remedies in the hope I would hit upon something I had missed. For this particular episode, I took Rescue Remedy ™ to try and obtain some relief.

I noticed that I felt slightly better. Not a lot, mind you, but it was enough to make me wonder why. As the Rescue Remedy contains five Bach Flower Remedies, I ran through the list in my mind, and found that the only possible one that could have made any difference was Star of Bethlehem, which is the remedy for clearing Shock and Trauma.

At that point, I had never used it on its own because I believed that being part of the Rescue Remedy, there was no need.

I took out the bottle from my kit and placed a couple of drops on my tongue. The relief was instant. It was as though an enormous weight had been lifted from me.

It was then I realized that uncleared shock and trauma had caused my clinical depression. The key was that you needed to take Star of Bethlehem by itself in order to gain full healing from it. When it was mixed with other remedies, its effectiveness was severely reduced.

Initially, I kept on taking it every time I felt my depression returning. First it was every few minutes, then it lengthened to hours and after three days, it was gone.

I am now mindful that if I do experience a traumatic event, to make sure I take some.

I have duplicated this result with other people. One case was a lady who e-mailed me a few days later, saying she was considering going on anti-depressants, but asked if I had any last minutes suggestions. I told her my experiences. She bought a bottle of Star of Bethlehem, and wrote to me that night, saying that she had never experienced such a profound relief. In the morning, she wondered how she would get through the day, and that evening, she was at peace with the world and happy to be alive.

While this is not the only cause for depression, it is a major one and well worth looking into if you are experiencing such symptoms.

Nearly everyone suffers from traumatic events in their life. From their birth to the present and they are rarely cleared.

Bach Flower Remedy: 
Star of Bethlehem.

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Depression series – Empaths and Anxiety or Everything is great! So why do I feel like it’s not?

Anxiety

Checklist.

Do you feel anxious without any reason?
Do you feel something terrible is about to happen?
Do you suffer from anxiety attacks?

Anxiety, though closely related to feelings of guilt, tends to be a different kind of depression.

It’s the feeling that something is wrong or the sense that something horrible it going to happen. It could be a feeling of impending doom, or problems which you are ignoring, but still are eating away at you beneath the surface.

Indeed, one of the causes of anxiety is us refusing to look at, or acknowledge something that we feel needs to be done. It might be as simple as cleaning your home while you’re choosing to chill out or perhaps that homework you’ve not done, in spite of the fact may be due the next day.

It could be that exam you’re going to take soon, or the job interview that you are about to have.  Maybe it’s that pretty girl you’re about to ask out, or that stunning fellow who you want to look your way. (To be sexist J )

One might also feel anxiety about their personal lives. Especially if they are insecure about their relationships, or feel they should be in a relationship but aren’t.

Both can cause enormous distress, as it’s often due to our self-image, and the belief that something is wrong with us, or we are doing something wrong.

Some of us are experts at avoiding looking at things that we don’t wish to do, but know we probably should. This is different to procrastinating, as with that, you are making a deliberate choice to put something off as opposed to something that should be done, but has not been. This produces a feeling of great unease which is disruptive to our normal harmony.

It could also be due to something we think we should be doing, but are not. This might be as simple as calling someone (such as a parent) or stopping what you are doing in order to placate someone else. This kind of anxiety borders on feelings of guilt.

Empaths also have the extra burden of picking up anxiety from others. You may well be picking up on the emotional distress of another, or even a sense of fear on a global scale.

Some psychic empaths will often pick up impending events some weeks before they happen. For instance, there are some who picked up 9/11 before it happened. They did not understand why they felt what they felt, only that they felt a sense of dying and incredible grief.

Such things are already out there, in the collective consciousness, well before they happen, the greater the probability of them occurring, the more the empath will feel such things.

Is it said that this type of anxiety is us sensing things from the astral levels (that is, that levels which are not the physical realm) but not being able to bring the information fully down, so we know what is going on.

Anxiety is frustrating to live with, and some live with it on a daily basis, never quite knowing the reason why. Many hide it well, but they just can’t seem to get over it.

Bach Flower Remedy: 
Aspen

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Is how I see myself how I eventually will look?

Empaths and weight – Part 4

So, what does this have to do with being overweight?

There are certainly several factors here.

My image of myself is that I’m unattractive, and so my body starts to reflect this.

This liver has a lot to do with controlling weight, so a poorly functioning liver will make it harder to lose weight.

My desire to be accepted as I am also is likely to a contributing factor. If I am overweight, but still loved and accepted regardless, then I know they want the real me.

And actually, that last one is a fallacy, because the real me isn’t my body, it’s not my weight, or lack of it; it’s who I am being.

Also, it doesn’t seem to matter what I look like nowadays. There are those who are obsessed with me regardless of what I say or do. To me, it’s really a mystery as to why, as I can’t imagine what they get from my friendship that they couldn’t get elsewhere.

If I ever work that part out, I’ll certainly blog about it.

For the Empath, being themselves around others may be one of the toughest challenges they may face in their life.

The question of whether energy is being held on a cellular level is a very real one. Also, the question of how do you release it so you may begin to heal is another.

From my own experiences, I believe it’s a very real thing. The quality of our cells are what make up our body, and ultimately our health, and how we feel.

Freeing our cells from those destructive emotions is what should be done in order to achieve healing on physical levels.

It is easier said than done, though.

I’ve been on this process for a long time now. More years than I care to remember and not all of them heading in the right direction, though they did show me which direction not to go.

One thing I have noticed is that there are milestones. Places were you have achieved a major healing, and you suddenly feel amazing and have found a new lease on life.

Normally, that comes after a major revelation. You have understood something at an emotional level. You have discovered a block and have been able to move through it. You feel great, and life is good.

But it doesn’t seem to last…

There are several reasons for that.

You may have only uncovered one of many traumas, and as you find yourself adjusting, new stuff starts to come up. It could even be the same things you just resolved, but at a different period of time. Don’t ignore it, though. Don’t feel that you shouldn’t have to go through it all again because you’ve already dealt with it. It might take many times to deal with the same issues, but as long as you can make progress with each case, you will eventually reach a point where it no longer has any power or affects over you.

You may need to change your lifestyle. Often, we are a product of the lifestyle we choose. Stress is a great killer. We slowly kill ourselves over time by allowing major stresses and worries to drain us of our chi, our energy, and ultimately correct our bodies.  Changing your lifestyle to reduce stress is not always easy, but it is still a choice. We may have to give up what we feel we want so we can be healthier. We might feel that others are depending on us, and we have no choice but to continue on, normally until we suffer some kind of catastrophe.

In my own experience, it is an illusion. Things that you swore you had to do and be a part of seem to go on just fine once you move on. People have to adjust, and they do.

There is more than one way to live your life. It’s unlikely that you’ve found the only formulae that works for you, or so you feel, when there are countless other ways out there.

If you can identify those things in your life which are harmful to you, then it’s worth doing everything you can to prevent them from occurring, or re-occurring.  Easier said than done, of course, and yet your healing will depend on that.

When you reach a milestone, you will feel great for a while, then that feeling fades.  What has happened is that you have integrated it into your life, and moved onto a new level. With new levels come new challenges and problems to resolve.  Sometimes it seems like it’s a never ending process, but giving up isn’t really an option either.

If our weight is caused by trapped energy, then shifting that energy will help us with weight loss.

If you get the root causes of why you fall apart when losing weight, and are able to work through those feelings, you will feel yourself shifting and have renewed energy to do what you feel you need to do to bring yourself into balance.

At this point in my life, I’m still looking at these things. Sometimes it may take a while to fully understand what is going on, but for now, I am sharing what I have.

Energy pathways and releasing past traumas goes a long way to a higher quality of life.

No doubt there is more to this, and I’ve only scratched the surface… it’s a start though.

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Truth is the best policy, though sometimes lying can stop a beating.

Empaths and Weight: Part 3

As in the previous entry, this is an examination of the causes of my self-esteem which I theorize contributed to my weight gain. It is written, not as a victim’s story, but so others may see themselves in me.

Nowadays I cringe at all the fundamental errors I made while trying to find a partner back in the 70 to mid-90s. It’s clear to me what I could have done differently, but while I was doing them, I could not see it at all. The entire process was not only a mystery to me, but I swore what I was doing was logical to me; hence it should be logical to everyone else.

I am also thankful I didn’t succeed as it would not have brought me any happiness, at least not after the initial short term.

As stated, even though I was in much better shape, I did not feel attractive at all to the opposite sex.

I believe my poor self-image issues didn’t really begin until I was thirteen. Until then, I was pretty much being me, and, even though I was just a tad too young, there were girls who were interested in me.

However, my father disapproved of my being myself, and seemed to hate everything about me, including what I liked, how I laughed, the fact I laughed, and even the music I enjoyed. He was a sociopath, but I wasn’t aware of that at the time. To lounge back in a chair would risk being beaten. To enjoy something meant that it would be taken away from me. I pretty soon learned to hide the things I enjoyed, and I became very secretive. I would even be guarded about what book I was reading, or what music I would listen to. No one ever caught me relaxing either.

However, that was at home and I was fine outside of the house until one particular incident at a school camp changed everything.  At the time, I was very short for my age, had not reached puberty,  so I had a high piping voice. A couple of people I hang around with were supposedly gay, but being 13, I had no clue what the hell that even meant. I was quite innocent.

At the school camp I found myself being picked on, and in one incident I suddenly was being bullied and beaten.

I thought it was because I was short, but it wasn’t, of course. They assumed I was gay, and in 1976, that was not something you wanted to have people think of you as, especially if you were actually straight, which I certainly was.

The only thing that clued me in, and saved me was that a few days ago, I had made up a story about having a girlfriend. It was half wishful thinking on my part, and also a desire to fit in. The details came from my imagination, and a girl I visited in my mind on a daily basis that I called Patricia. She had no last name. So, when someone asked me if I had a girlfriend, I told them I did.

One of the guys who had just been beating me said, as he was walking away, “and that’s bullshit about you have a girlfriend.”

The others who were with him however, said, with some surprise: “Do you have a girlfriend?” and I said I did. Suddenly, they changed their attitude, plied me with questions on her, and I happily made up an elaborate story to support it, which wasn’t very hard, as I had all the details already. I told them I didn’t have her surname as it was complicated, and they accepted that.

Suddenly, I was in. People accepted and liked me, and I learned that if I modified my behaviour, people would change towards me.

Young teens were so homophobic back then.

No one ever found out that the girlfriend was fiction. I ‘broke up’ with her a few months later, and it was promptly forgotten.

(As an interesting side note, in 1992, I met a girl called Patricia, she looked like my fantasy girl, and I had coffee with her a few times, but it didn’t go anywhere, and I never remembered her last name as it was too complicated!)

It was clear to me that by hanging out with two questionable friends, it was hurting my reputation, so I cut them loose (and while I regret the method of doing so, it certainly wasn’t any loss to them) and tried to be well, more sporty.

I decided that I had to rebuild my reputation. I did everything I could to try and change people’s perception of who I was, and tried to involve myself to become accepted.

The camp acceptance was a flash in the pan, though. I had impressed everyone there, and I had also showed them there was more to me then met the eye, but this did not continue at school.

I was lousy at sports, and that went against me. I had lost my coordination the following year due to being hit by a car while crossing the road. My hearing and coordination was affected, and even the leg I broke took three months to heal.

I was also paranoid, and anyone who did try to befriend me during those years would be treated with extreme suspicion, as I believed I was being set up.

The paranoia was a result of my home life, and the fact that there was a group of kids who loved to pick on me.

All in all, it made for a very bad combination. For two years I struggled every day to fit in and in the third year, I just gave up and kept to myself. I felt as though there was an invisible glass barrier between me and everyone else.

At the end of year three, it all changed and suddenly I was more accepted, had good friends (including some who were former antagonists) however I was never relaxed enough to just be me.

The damage had been done. I became a product of other people’s perceptions of me.

The perception of the opposite sex also didn’t help. I was told that their view of me was that I was too short (I’m 5 foot 6 inches), too serious, too intense, and not good looking enough to be seen with, and finally, I was told I was too nice.

Now, I realize that those were mostly superficial things, and really, it was their issue, not mine, but at the time, there seemed to be a complete lack of single females, and even the odd ones who were single certainly had those quibbles about me.

What was missing with me, though, was not that those things were wrong with me, because even if they were, that wasn’t the main issue. It was my lack of self-esteem that was the problem. The fact I had no faith in myself. I didn’t believe that anyone would want me for me and what was more, that I was someone that they would want to be with.

I had no self-confidence. The moment I was put in a situation that warranted it, I would fall apart within, and feel isolated, lonely and desperately unhappy. Of course, no one understood why that was.

Ironically, I had plenty of inner strength, I just didn’t believe in me.

Such is the story of many empaths. They don’t believe in themselves. They feel  so much pain, so much loss and isolation that the moment something good comes along, they fall apart, especially the moment they feel challenged.

It certainly was my story, and I ended up being quite the aloof / poor me / victim type towards the end. I hated being that way, and I did everything I could to shift and when I did shift, it was traumatic and painful, but it changed everything.

To those empaths reading my story, please don’t feel sorry for me. I am not looking for sympathy. I am sharing so, if you have gone through the same thing, you may see yourself in me, and reach a new understanding of why you feel so isolated and depressed.

I certainly held a lot of the anger on a cellular level. I never let it go. I was unable to do so. If I felt frustrated, I’d either repress it or vent it through biting humour. I was also passive aggressive, but I never truly vented my anger. I didn’t know how to. Those who were initially responsible for those early events were no longer around. I had nowhere to go with it.

If anger affects the liver, then it is little wonder that my liver has taken so much damage. Fortunately is had the capacity to heal and regenerate.

Though this subject is about weight, it’s worth noting that the main push is self-esteem, and that is a subject many empaths suffer from.

Next: Looking at how this all fits together.

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Where did I put those rose coloured glasses…?

Empaths and weight – Part two

Self-image.

The follow is a short essay on what motivated me to not be true to who I was. It’s a common mistake many Empaths make.  It is personal, though it is relevant.  Please note, this is note a victim or poor-me piece. It is an exploration of the factors that caused poor self-image, and possibly lead to weight issues.

Now, it is curious, that to my mind, I am more attractive and desirable nowadays, than I was when I was fit, trim and in better health.

Back in those days, my self- image and self-esteem was pretty low. On one hand, I liked who I was, and where I was going, however, on the other hand, I felt very rejected, unattractive, and looking in the mirror, I didn’t look quite right. If I had met me, I would have felt somewhat uneasy about it.

People would constantly refer to me (behind my back) as someone who was weird. I found out about this because I did have a good circle of friends, who would keep me in the know.

I was unable to comprehend why such comments were made as I tended to be friendly, helpful and empathized with everyone I spoke to. Yet some didn’t trust me, and many seemed to take a delight in twisting my words and motives around.

I knew that I didn’t fit into my perception of normal society. I didn’t hold the same views, I didn’t subscribe to small talk, and forget about partying and drinking. It just wasn’t me.

My focus was philosophy and the study of the esoteric. I searched, almost fanatically, for the answer to life.

I was also very much into computers. My job was processing data, and I was very much in the know about what was happening with the latest technology.

Back in the 80s, this was not the positive it is today. I wasn’t even called a geek, which is more a positive word in 2013 I was told I was ‘too straight’ because I was a computer operator.

Back then, that statement just sounded inane. It’s like saying that anyone that uses a computer today is straight and boring. However, that was the perception for those who loved computers.

And I did love them. From the first moment I saw a TRS-80 back in high school in 1977, I knew that I wanted to go down that path. I knew that they were the future, and I knew that it would give me a distinct advantage to not only know how to use one, but how to touch type, too, which was also something mostly women did back then. Men just didn’t have a need for it.

Time has proven me right, of course. I can fix just about any pc problem, as long as it’s fixable and I have the tools, and I can fix them quickly, and people now love me for that ability, (Though they do take it for granted.) Back then, though, it was an invitation for persecution and being ostracised, so you just didn’t mention it.

It did add to my self-image of being undesirable.

I was also told I was too fancy with my words. I don’t believe I was, but I did have a larger vocabulary, and I tended to choose my words very carefully. Couple that with a European (Dutch origin) accent that had a higher timbre, (which I was told made me sound gay  over the phone or the C.B Radio), many, who had not even met me in person,  would react rather negatively towards me, even to the point of being hostile.

Also, those who knew me either loved me or hated me. There didn’t seem to be an in-between.  Those who loved me loved my company, my sense of humour and my insights. At the same time, they felt I was too intense and too serious. I didn’t know how to be any other way. To me, it didn’t make sense that they would laugh at my humour and in the same breathe say I was serious.

I also was flat footed, so my walk was more of a swagger, and that also wasn’t acceptable.  In fact, I was made to feel that all my quirks and mannerisms were not acceptable by the friends I had as a teen. They tried to ‘fix’ me, so I could function, but nothing they did worked, as I wasn’t actually broken.

I never understood the ‘being human’ thing back then. I couldn’t fit in, and part of me didn’t want to fit in. Eventually I reached the point where I rebelled and told people that if they didn’t like me, it was too bad, but I was going to be who I wanted to be, and what was more, it was because of people like them that I dug my heels in and refused to compromise myself.

That was on one level. On another level, I was extremely lonely, and would subconsciously use my empathy to tap into what people liked and wanted, and then modified my behaviour to reflect them appropriately.

This, of course, was in direct contradiction to what I was declaring myself to be, and if you would have asked me if I was doing otherwise, I would have denied it till I was blue in the face, because I honestly didn’t believe it was what I was doing.

However, it was with people I worked with, or those I was friends with, or those who I wanted more than friendship with, that I would compromise who I was.

This didn’t work and because I wasn’t aware of what I was doing, I had no clue why it wasn’t working.  Personally, I think I would have come across as a little disconcerting to those who I was trying to build an empathy with.

I think a wonderful example of how badly this technique fails is in the movie Groundhog Day.

Phil Connors, who is stuck in the same day over and over again, uses it to find out everything he can about Rita, the woman who he’s in love with.  Every day he gets a little further by pretending to like what she likes, and feel what she feels.  But Rita is never fooled for long, and each attempt ends with a slap in the face.  She clearly senses something is off, and she’s right.

What I was doing was becoming an extension of the person, and supressing my own quirks and personality. If they did manifest, they would tend to be passive aggressive and negative.

I imagine that would have left my target feeling a little creeped out, because even if they weren’t high level empaths, the majority of people are empathic at some level, and they will sense that something isn’t quite right.

So, why would I do this? Because I truly believed that the true me, even though I liked it, was unacceptable for everyone else. It certainly seemed unacceptable to those who I was romantically interested in, and in the 80s to mid-1990s, I never got far at all in that area.

Next: The early teen years that influenced my self-image.

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I’m just big boned…

Empaths  and weight – part 1

I’ve notice that many empaths, myself included, tend to have weight issues.

Are we overweight or obese because we are empaths? Is it a by-product of being empathic? Can we blame being overweight because we are empaths?

I believe that being overweight may well be caused by being an Empath.

That’s not to say that being an Empath is the cause of being overweight. Clearly it’s not, however Empaths may well be even more susceptible to weight problems.

I know, that for myself, even though I don’t really do anything that puts on the amount of weight I carry, something within me stops, just short, of doing the things that will help me to lose weight.

I’ve got several things going against me.

  • My sleep apnea, which tends to lower my metabolism due to lack of sleep and oxygen.
  • My liver, which, in spite of never taking drugs, never drinking, is (according to the doctors) damaged in a way that suggests heavy drug use.

I have to ask myself why? When it comes down to it, my lifestyle isn’t all the unhealthy. My diet is pretty decent (though my weakness is coffee and chocolate) and I can’t really remember the last time I ate junk food.

I walk a lot more than I used to and my stress levels are a lot less nowadays, and yet I still am gaining weight.

So, it’s time to look at other factors in my life.

Here we will need to look into the esoteric and energy side of things.

Anger is said to affect your liver. As an empath, I’ve repressed a lot of anger over the years: Probably a toxic amount. Does the energy get stuck in our organs? If so, does it affect the health of those organs?

If the first is true, then most certainly the second will be true, as the vibrational energy of anger is negative, and negative energy will have a long term effect on our health.

Also, is my sleep apnea a result of being an Empath?  I think so, but plan to explore this more fully in a future blog.

But for now, I will make some observations.

When I eat chocolate, or food that taste good, it’s in an attempt to make myself feel good. If I feel down, tired, or worries, eating something that is delicious, but bad for me, will give me that high, though it should be noted that the high only lasts for the duration of the eating, and that I don’t feel better after eating: In fact, I feel worse, and ask myself, why did I do that?

But the weird thing is that before I eat, something gets short circuited in my mind. I know it will have negative and adverse effects on me, but I can’t remember that fact, or if I remember, I can’t connect to it. All I have is an overriding urge to eat.

Blocking myself.

I have noted that the moment I start to make some headway with weight loss and diet, my energy levels take a huge drive, and I fall into a depressed, apathetic state, where the very thought of doing anything makes me feel anxious.  If I dig deeper, I think, what’s the point and I feel extremely anxious that I won’t get results, or more to the point, I won’t have the staying powers to get any meaningful and long term weight loss.

In a sense, I feel it’s a silent cry for help, though it’s so silent that no one will ever hear it, let alone be aware that it’s even there. As such, it’s pointless, but it does raise the question as to why this is even happening?

Next: Does how we view ourselves cause weight issues?